


The USS Bootyprize

by Thunderdogz



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crack, F/F, Group Chat Fic, I am living on shitposts, James T Kirk cannot swear to save his life, M/M, Memes, Trans James T. Kirk, and I will take that to my grave, bones is enjoying Jim's pain wkdhdjdb, chekov said bastard rights, don't have plots, etc etc etc, let me have fun!!, no discernable plot because group chats, some discussion on sexy things but don't worry it's not explicit, thank you very much, the enterprise crew is a FAMBILY
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23281090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thunderdogz/pseuds/Thunderdogz
Summary: GoldenGlazedHam: hate to break it to ya bones butGoldenGlazedHam: god has left the chatRussia'sGreatestLoveMachine: THATS SUCH AN OLD REFERENCE IM CACKLING
Relationships: Christine Chapel/Nyota Uhura, James T. Kirk/Spock, The enterprise fambily
Comments: 13
Kudos: 69





	1. And so it begins

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was made during a week long blackout as something to keep myself occupied, don't expect anything in it to be serious or even coherent ksbdkdbdkd. Enjoy! 
> 
> \------  
> The nicknames: 
> 
> GoldenGlazedHam: Kirk   
> Boned: Bones   
> CommanderSpock: it's Spock bro   
> Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: chekov  
> Starfree: Uhura   
> ScottishTwitter: Scotty   
> Plantdaddy: Sulu   
> Emo: Chapel   
> Baskethead: Rand

[ USS Bootyprize ]

GoldenGlazedHam: lesbians what is your wisdom 

Boned: You're in the middle of a shift??? 

GoldenGlazedHam: shush and let the lesbians speak 

Emo: World cold and hard titty soft and warm 

Starfree: Girls hot....

Baskethead: watch naruto

GoldenGlazedHam: thank u lesbians 

Boned: unbelievable 

\-----

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

Starfree: istg one day scottys gonna come online and see the name of this gc 

Starfree: and then somebodys gonna die 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: he better do it soon im tired of waiting 

Plantdaddy: pavel I swear to fuck

GoldenGlazedHam: ngl I kinda like the chats name

Starfree: thats because youre thicc as fuck as your best friend I can confirm 

Boned: I literally don't respect any of you 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: doctor boned...............

Starfree: SJDVSJKSBDJD 

[ GoldenGlazedHam changed Boned's nickname to DoctorBoned ] 

DoctorBoned: Jim change it back right now or so help me god 

GoldenGlazedHam: hate to break it to ya bones but uh

GoldenGlazedHam: god has left the chat 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: THATS SUCH AN OLD REFERENCE IM CACKLING 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT 

GoldenGlazedHam: I have my sources ;) 

Starfree: that's so ominous skdgdjbd

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: someone add Mr Spock to the gc 

Starfree: isnt he already on it??? 

GoldenGlazedHam: oh... I offered to add him when we first set it up but he said he wasnt interested 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: u know what u should do 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: just add him anyway 

DoctorBoned: ABSOLUTELY NOT y'all know exactly what'll happen if he decides to stay 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: hell be serious and logical like he always is???? 

DoctorBoned: no Jim'll get all lovey dovey and then y'all will have to suffer through even more of that pining bullshit they do so well 

GoldenGlazedHam: HEY 

GoldenGlazedHam: I DO NOT GET ALL LOVEY DOVEY AND IM CERTAINLY NOT PINING AFTER MR SPOCK 

GoldenGlazedHam: he's just a very close friend thats all 

Starfree: youre full of shit captain 

Plantdaddy: go ahead add him I want to make fun of both of you 

GoldenGlazedHam: >:( fine 

GoldenGlazedHam: but I'm deleting some messages first 

[ GoldenGlazedHam added CommanderSpock to USS Bootyprize ]

CommanderSpock: I do not recall agreeing to be added to such a "chat" 

DoctorBoned: even types exactly like he speaks I hate this 

GoldenGlazedHam: Spock!! You're welcome to leave at any time of course but... I thought you might enjoy being able to communicate with our fellow crewmembers without having to actively search for them all the time

[ Ny - Kirkypoo ] 

Ny: smooth 

Kirkypoo: don't bully me 

Ny: prepare to be bullied 

Kirkypoo: you're so lucky you're one of my favourite people 

Ny: I love you too but you're still gonna get your ass bullied 

Kirkypoo: damn >:/

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

CommanderSpock: That is...  
surprisingly logical, Captain

[ Ny - Kirkypoo ] 

Kirkypoo: I'm whipped 

Ny: you're whipped 

Kirkypoo: I'm so freaking whipped 

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

GoldenGlazedHam: I thought we agreed that I can be logical when I want to, Mr Spock 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: MR SPOCK UR NICKNAME IS BORING LEMME FIX THAT 

[ Suwu - Pawel ]

Suwu: defusing the spirk I see 

Pawel: I had to change the subject before they started Vulcan sexting 

Pawel: is Vulcan sexting a thing?

Pawel: actually nvm I dont want to know 

Suwu: that's 

Suwu: pavel 

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

CommanderSpock: my nickname is boring? I don't believe I follow 

[ Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine changed CommanderSpock 's nickname to VulcanSexting ] 

GoldenGlazedHam: CHEKOV 

VulcanSexting: sexting? 

Plantdaddy: ASGFHFBCHFBHGJGJFG PAVEL

[ GoldenGlazedHam changed VulcanSexting 's nickname to Spawk ] 

Spawk: This is highly confusing 

[ Sunshine - MrSpock ] 

MrSpock: Captain 

MrSpock: what is "sexting"? 

[ Sawbones - CaptainJerk ] 

CaptainJerk: hELP [spockasksaboutsexting.jpeg] 

Sawbones: HA

CaptainJerk: THIS ISN'T FUNNY 

Sawbones: you're right you're right 

Sawbones: ITS HILARIOUS I'M GONNA CRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD 

Sawbones: CHRISTINE IS GIVING ME A FUNNY LOOK I CAN'T BREATHE 

CaptainJerk: you done 

Sawbones: yeah I'm done 

Sawbones: that's quite a predicament you've got yourself in there kirkyboy 

Sawbones: but ya gotta tell him, he IS asking after all 

Sawbones: I mean it's just one of our illogical human practices it's not like he's asking you to demonstrate it 

CaptainJerk: that is true

CaptainJerk: but a man can dream.... 

Sawbones: not while texting me you're not 

[ Sunshine - MrSpock ] 

Sunshine: sexting is the human practise of, ah

Sunshine: "roleplaying" foreplay and coitus through texting, hence the name 

MrSpock: ...I see 

MrSpock: Is there any particular reason ensign Chekov used this term in reference to Vulcans and/or myself? 

Sunshine: he was just teasing you, don't read too much into it 

MrSpock: Very well, Captain. Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

ScottishTwitter: BOOTYPRIZE???????? 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: SHIT SCOTTYS ONLINE 

Starfree: SCATTER 

Plantdaddy: RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN 

ScottishTwitter: THAT'S FUCKIN AWFUL 

ScottishTwitter: I love it 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: ...Holy shit 

Plantdaddy: you been spared chekov

ScottishTwitter: why is my nickname ScottishTwitter 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: SCATTER


	2. The plot chickens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's true ur honour I'm having way too much fun with this akdvdjdvd

[ USS Bootyprize] 

GoldenGlazedHam: For the record I was so so so so so sure that those aliens were peaceful 

DoctorBoned: and then they were not 

DoctorBoned: y'know 

DoctorBoned: BECAUSE WE GOT SHOT AT 

Spawk: We cannot blame the Captain, those people did in fact claim their intentions were peaceful

DoctorBoned: we still!!! Got!!! Shot!!! At!!!! 

DoctorBoned: Join Starfleet, get into as many life or death situations as the universe can throw at ya 

Starfree: it's all in the past now anyways 

Starfree: now if you'll EXCUSE me 

Starfree: I'm off to go have a nice long, relaxing bubble bath with my girlfriend 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: they fuck 

Starfree: nO

\---- 

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: I'm bored Russian keysmash time 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: двлвдущуовдДЫТУЩУОВД ПО ЛВРЫТЫМПУЩ

Plantdaddy: why are you like this 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: its because I get more chicks than u 

Plantdaddy: chekov 

Plantdaddy: I'm gay 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: YOU'RE GAY??? 

Plantdaddy: chekov, YOU'RE gay 

Russia'sGreatestLoveMachine: I'M GAY???? IM GAY?????????? 

[ Suwu - Pawel ] 

Pawel: im going to beat that joke into the dirt 

Suwu: whatever makes you happy sjdbjdd 

[ USS Bootyprize ] 

Spawk: I do not suppose any of you have seen the Captain anywhere? 

Spawk: I have attempted to contact him via comm but he is not answering 

Spawk: he's missed our daily chess game 

[ The Search For Spirk ] 

Uhuraaaa:[Spocksworriedaboutjimbo.jpeg] 

Uhuraaaa: it's amazing how one single sentence suddenly makes it impossible for me to tell him Jim's on a date rn 

Bonesy: Do it uhura

Bonesy: Make Spock cry

Паша: NO DON'T :((((( 

Паша: I mean

Паша: tell him so he doesnt get too worried but dont make him cry :((((((

Uhuraaaa: aight ill tell him

[ Nyota - Spocky ]

Nyota: Spock 

Nyota: Jim's on a date rn 

Spocky: ...I see 

Nyota: he didn't tell you? 

Spocky: No, the Captain did not, in fact, inform me he had other engagements tonight.

Spocky: I foolishly assumed he would join me for chess, as he always does. 

Spocky: Strange how he did not consider it important to inform me that he could not attend our game on this particular evening. 

Nyota: I'm so sorry Spock 

Spocky: It is of no matter, Nyota. 

Spocky: Have a pleasant evening.

[ The Search For Spirk ] 

Uhuraaaa: [spocksheartisbroke.jpeg]

Culu: oh fuck 

Bonesy: that's definitely not good 

Scottie: k do who's gonna beat the tar outta Jim 

Bonesy: -_-

Scottie: whos gonna verbally beat the tar outta Jim 

Uhuraaaa: I'm on it 

Паша: kick his ass kween

Паша: avenge Mr spocks heart

[ Ny - Kirkypoo ] 

Ny: JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK YOU PIECE OF SHIT 

Ny: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL SPOCK YOU WERE ON A DATE TONIGHT???? 

Ny: YOU USUALLY TELL HIM EVERYTHING AND HE WAS FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOU 

Ny: I'm not saying don't go on dates but FOR FUCKS SAKE IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS THAT HAVE TO BE CANCELLED TELL THEM DON'T JUST LEAVE 

Kirkypoo: I

Kirkypoo: what? 

Kirkypoo: I sent spock a message over comm, he should have received it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA


End file.
